This information, of course, applies whether your relationship is a man-woman, woman-man, man-man, woman-woman, man-woman-goat, or any combination thereof. Sorry, it does not include donkeys. You sick pervert.
What I am analyzing here is the way that people walk into dating and the resulting relationships as if there's some huge mystique involved. Magazines like Cosmopolitan and Esquire have made whole fortunes from this false mystery and the promotion of it. I'm about to shatter their marketing strategy.
1 - Dating, at its essence.
Lots of discussion is given to "dating" and how this "complex relationship" of courtship is pursued by those involved (and often their mothers). Whole doctoral thesis and sections of religious texts are concerned with the act of courtship (dating) and its activities.
In my usual fashion, I will boil down the act of dating into one simple word that explains everything happening, no matter what it is.
SEX
Yes, folks. Pretty it up all you want, dating is just about sex. Do you dress up for your date, try on a half dozen colognes, spend an hour doing your hair, and use various mirrors and lighting tricks to attempt to pluck every stray hair just to "look good?" No, you do it so you'll look sexy.
We don't ask each other out, go to the best places, eat food we can't pronounce, and act like civilized people just so that we can "have fun." We do it so we can have fun by getting laid.
I don't care what religious phrases, moral overtones, multi-syllable psychiatric terms, or whatever else you try to use to explain dating. They're just really complicated ways to say "sex."
Dating is for sex. Those who don't believe that are lying to themselves. They're probably feminists, Methodists, sexists or some other "ists" to boot.
2. Marriage is for one thing.
All the various human relationships we create for our intimate lives, such as marriage, couple-hood, and all that, are for procreation. (That's a big word for sex.)
We don't get married in order that God will recognize us as a couple who will live together forever, or until "death do us part," or whatever. We get married so that we have a legally-binding contract we can enforce when the jerk tries to dump us when we tell him we're pregnant. Or so that we can keep all our stuff when the witch trots off with our best friend.
No matter the situation, marriage is about sex. More specifically, it's about sex exclusivity and the children that result. Whether your marriage is about two people or ten people or even five people and a yak, it's about exclusive sexual rights.
Everything else in marriage is just dating, but with fewer manners.
3. Old people have sex.
I threw this one in there to make sure you were still paying attention. Make sure to flush after you've finished puking and then keep reading. I promise I'm done grossing you out.
The point of this section's title (don't re-read it, you idiot! Alright, let me know when you get back... geez, throwing up sure does sound sickening) ... oh, right, the point of this section is to get you to note something: no matter how old you get, you're still thinking about sex.
(Damn, how much did you eat, anyway? Is there supposed to be green stuff in there?)
Alright, I'll just finish this off then. Everything in your life is basically about sex. From the time you become sexually aware (scientists are out on this one, but I'm guessing it's about the time people start using the word "teen" to describe you) to the time you die, everything in your life is about sex.
Before that time, everything in your life is about making adults feel awkward about sex. Yep, you may not have realized it, but children exist for one reason (other than growing up to become adults): making your sex life suck.
So, when you really boil it down, Freud was right. From the moment we're conceived (and the thirty seconds before that point, probably), our lives are all about sex.
Conception = sex
Birth = disruption of sex
Childhood = disruption and embarrassment about sex
Teenager = nothing but sexual thought
Adult = pursuit of sex
Death = completing the circle by making room for the people showing up because of conception.
There you go. If you were hoping for deep enlightenment from this, I hope you were satisfied. I know, I know. Don't praise me for my depth of insight. Just send money.
--Read more coherent stuff from Aaron by visiting his main blog at Aaron's EnvironMental Corner - where the environment is looked at mentally. Or something like that. Or just Twitter: Tweet Me
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