Hyphenated American

I've decided that in order to culturally fit in with today's America, I need to be hyphenated.

No, that's not some bizarre freak body modification or piercing.

It's what you do when you go from being an "American" to being a something-American.

This is the sign that you're special part of an elite club of Americans who're oppressed, unappreciated, or somehow unique. Usually for having a certain skin color, for something your great-great-great-great-great grandparents suffered through, or because you don't like America in general and want to dissociate yourself from it.

I'm not sure which of those categories I fall into, so I'm going to have to analyze the situation.

Caucasian-American
The problem here is that too many publik skewl graduates will spell that wrong. Next thing you know, I'm in porno flicks. My wife would not approve of that. Lame.

Scots-American
Alternatively, so it wouldn't get confused with paper towels, I could use "Scottish-American" instead. Sounds great, but it doesn't convey enough for me. It's just not unique enough.

Heathen-American
This would mix my religious heritage with my nationality. That might actually work. There's precedents. The Jewish-Americans and Muslim-Americans have done it. Why not me? Ad this to the short list of possibilities.

White-American
This would definitely get me called a racist. If I said I was any other color, nobody would care. But white? Sorry, pal. Discriminatory. As if the people who use that word even know what it means. Pesky publik skewl again.

NonFrench-American
In the early 2000s, this would have been popular I think. Now? Feh. Doesn't really say anything.

Genius-American
I'm inclined to go with this one, but there are some problems. It's somewhat pretentious; not that this has ever stopped me. Too many dillweeds would see it as being an "oxy moron" though. That's almost as lame as being banned from porno.

Free-American
Seems kind of redundant, but people who are really free are a rare and dying breed in this country. I might go with this one too. Another short list candidate.

Hmm...I'm running out of ideas. There's got to be the perfect match out there somewhere, though. What do you think?

--Read more coherent stuff from Aaron by visiting his main blog at Aaron's EnvironMental Corner - where the environment is looked at mentally. Or something like that. Or just Twitter: Tweet Me